Resentments are like silent assassins in a relationship, slowly eroding the foundation of love, trust, and respect. They don't announce their arrival with fanfare; instead, they creep in quietly, one small grievance at a time, building a wall between partners.
Resentments are like silent assassins in a relationship, slowly eroding the foundation of love, trust, and respect. They don't announce their arrival with fanfare; instead, they creep in quietly, one small grievance at a time, building a wall between partners. Think of the movie The Shawshank Redemption, where Andy Dufresne, played by Tim Robbins, uses a tiny pickax to chip away at the prison wall over years, eventually breaking free. Resentments work the same way—death by a thousand cuts. One unresolved hurt piles onto another, and over time, what started as a minor irritation can lead to contempt, disconnection, and even divorce.
Left unchecked, resentment moves you to dark places. It transforms disappointment into disdain, eroding respect for your partner. It fosters judgment, where every action is scrutinized through a lens of bitterness. Ultimately, it breeds a deep sadness that suffocates the joy in your marriage. I've seen it time and again with the couples I counsel: resentment is a relationship killer, and it thrives in silence.
That's why I urge couples to impose a 72-hour statute of limitations on resentment. You have three days to process why you're upset. Use that time to dig deep—ask yourself: What am I feeling? What got stirred up inside me? Why did this hurt? Get to the heart of the matter. Then, bring it back to your partner. Have an honest, transparent conversation. Don't let the past fester in your present, and don't blindside your partner six months later with a grievance they didn't even know existed. That's unfair and breeds distrust.
Addressing issues as they arise allows couples to resolve, repair, and find closure. It keeps the relationship grounded in the present, free from the weight of old wounds. By speaking openly and working through hurts together, you create space for healing and hope. You're not just putting out fires—you're building a stronger, more resilient partnership that can look forward to a shared future.
Don't let resentments chip away at your love like a pickax against a prison wall. Break the cycle. Talk, process, and move forward—together.
April 21, 2025 • Couples Therapy
Affair Repair
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist & Supervisor, I've walked alongside countless couples navigating the raw, disorienting aftermath of an affair. The discovery of infidelity—whether emotional, physical, or both—can feel like a betrayal that fractures the very core of a relationship.
Affair Repair in Couples Therapy: A Path to Healing and Reconnection
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist & Supervisor, I've walked alongside countless couples navigating the raw, disorienting aftermath of an affair. The discovery of infidelity—whether emotional, physical, or both—can feel like a betrayal that fractures the very core of a relationship. Trust shatters, intimacy falters, and both partners are often left grappling with a storm of emotions: anger, shame, grief, and confusion. Yet, I've also witnessed the remarkable resilience of couples who, through the structured, compassionate process of couples therapy, find a way to heal, rebuild, and even create a stronger, more authentic partnership. In this post, I'll share insights from my practice about affair repair, the transformative power of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and how couples can navigate this challenging journey.
The Emotional Earthquake of an Affair
An affair disrupts the sacred bond of a relationship, leaving both partners in emotional upheaval. The betrayed partner often experiences a profound sense of loss—mourning not only the relationship they thought they had but also their sense of safety and self-worth. They may ask, "Was it ever real?" or "Am I enough?" Meanwhile, the partner who had the affair might wrestle with guilt, defensiveness, or even relief if the affair exposed unmet needs. In my therapy room, I see these emotions collide, creating cycles of blame, withdrawal, or escalating conflict.
As an EFT therapist, I view an affair not as the end but as a crisis that reveals underlying attachment wounds and unmet needs. My role is to help couples move through the pain, understand the affair's roots, and rebuild a secure bond—if they choose to stay together. Even when reconciliation isn't the goal, therapy can provide clarity, closure, and a path to healthier future relationships.
The Goals of Affair Repair
Affair repair in couples therapy isn't about sweeping the betrayal under the rug or rushing to "get over it." It's about creating a space where both partners can process their pain, rebuild trust, and co-create a new relationship that honors their shared growth. Key goals include:
Restoring Safety and Trust: Rebuilding a secure attachment requires transparency, consistency, and vulnerability.
Processing Emotional Pain: The betrayed partner needs validation, while the unfaithful partner must take accountability with genuine remorse.
Understanding the Affair's Context: Exploring the "why" behind the affair helps couples address vulnerabilities and prevent future betrayals.
Strengthening the Bond: Therapy fosters deeper emotional and physical intimacy, rooted in mutual understanding.
Crafting a New Narrative: Couples redefine their relationship, integrating the affair as a chapter, not the entire story.
The Affair Repair Process Through an EFT Lens
Emotionally Focused Therapy provides a roadmap for affair repair by focusing on attachment, emotional safety, and the cycle of connection and disconnection. In my practice, I guide couples through three stages of EFT, tailored to the unique challenges of infidelity.
Stage 1: De-Escalation and Emotional Safety
The first step is creating a safe container for both partners to express their raw emotions. The betrayed partner may feel engulfed by anger or grief, while the unfaithful partner might oscillate between shame and defensiveness. As an EFT therapist, I help couples slow down their negative cycle—where one partner's pain triggers the other's withdrawal or justification—and name the emotions driving it.
Stage 2: Reprocessing the Trauma and Rebuilding Trust
In this stage, the betrayed partner shares the depth of their pain, and the unfaithful partner listens with empathy and accountability. Using EFT's structured interventions, I guide the couple through "enactments"—carefully facilitated conversations where each partner expresses their emotions and needs directly.
Stage 3: Consolidation and Reconnection
Once trust begins to take root, we shift toward deepening the couple's bond. EFT helps partners share their attachment needs—such as the need for reassurance, closeness, or appreciation—in a way that invites connection rather than conflict.
A Message of Hope
In my years as a therapist, I've seen couples transform their relationships after an affair, emerging with a bond that's more honest, resilient, and deeply connected. The pain of infidelity doesn't have to define your story. With the right tools, a skilled therapist, and a commitment to the process, you can heal—whether that means rebuilding together or finding peace apart.
If you're ready to start this journey, I encourage you to call today and work with a trained therapist who can guide you with compassion and expertise. Your relationship, and your heart, deserve this chance to heal.
